A View From the Bleachers

By Peter Robins-Brown

Recently, the Detroit Lions – those Meowers of the Midway, those Titanics of the Turf – announced their bold new plan for the 2008-09 NFL campaign: season-ticket packages starting at $230.

At first glance even I was impressed by the apparent bargain, and I haven’t seriously followed the Lions for three years now. I mean, $230 really isn’t a lot of money, when it comes down to it. It almost sounded like a good idea.

Then, however, I started to ruminate. What would I be spending $230 on? Will the 2008-09 Lions even be worth spending that kind of money?

I started to think about what their offense is going to be like this year. The Lions are led by an aging quarterback whose likelihood of making it through the season without losing an appendage, or suffering some other such tragic injury, is about as plausible as the plot of the most recent Indiana Jones movie. Their offensive line and running back situation would be laughable as well, if only I knew of a single player that made up either of those units. They’ll have a couple of good wide receivers, but it will be tough getting it to those guys when everyone knows that’s all you have.

Then there’s the Lions defense, which shows absolutely no signs that it will be better than last year’s miserable crew. It’s hard to imagine a single scenario where the Lions defense provides anything more than a series of slightly unpleasant impediments to the opposing offense’s weekly assault.

All of a sudden, that $230 doesn’t sound like such a great deal. And I eventually got to thinking about better ways to spend that money, and those Sunday afternoons. So, in order to try to keep anyone from making the same mistake I almost made, I present: Four Better Things to do With Your Time and Money Than Support the Detroit Lions.

1: Gambling. I’ve heard a lot of people decry the games of chance, but in this case, even if you lose it all, you’ll probably have had a lot more fun than if you had watched the Lions.

2: Take a nap. Hey, it’s Sunday afternoon. Get a little rest. Then, wake up, turn on ESPNews, find out how much the Lions lost by, see how your fantasy players fared, and relish the fact that you didn’t just waste the day away watching “football.”

3: Strip Clubs. I’m not espousing sexism here – I encourage both men and women to take up the call on this one – I’m just saying that you can have a couple of really fun nights at the strip club for $230.

4: Re-watch Movies on Cable. You know how TNT runs the same movie, like, eight or nine days in a row? Well, take advantage of it. So what if you’ve already watched “National Treasure 5: The Search for Britney Spears’ Diary” twice this week. Spend one more afternoon with it. Maybe you’ll finally figure out why Nicholas Cage still has a career. At least it will be slightly easier than figuring out why Matt Millen still has a job.